Labywood Squares
by CrystalDreamer620
Summary: It's Hollywood Squares...only Labyrinth. Oh, read it and you'll find out.
1. Round One

A/N: Oh no, I'm back with round two...RUN AWAY! Um...anyway...

Iced tea, for keeping you awake during study time: Two dollars

Movie tickets, for taking a study break: Six dollars

History book, to replace the one you spilled tea on: Fifty dollars (just kidding)

Acing your first final: Priceless.

There are some problems iced tea can't fix...for everything else, there's fanfiction.

Um...yeah. See previous disclaimer.

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~Round Two~

"You're on in five, Sarah," said a member of the makeup crew, adding a little color to her cheeks so she wouldn't look quite so pale under the bright lights. The technician cast a sidelong glance at Jareth, slipping Sarah a note pad and pen. "Sarah, can you sign my autograph book?" she asked in a whisper.

"Of course," she said, making sure Jareth saw. Sarah dashed off her fanciest signature right next to David Bowie's, and handed it back to the makeup artist, who was already clearing the stage for round two. Jareth snorted. _So, she has one fan,_ he thought bitterly. _A lifeless makeup artist who's obsessed with David Bowie. Well...I'll show her who's worthy of all the fans._ The lights brightened, and music began to play, symbolizing the commercial break's end.

"Welcome back to Labywood Squares, now let's meet our contestants. Sarah, tell us a li'l bit about yourself." The host looked at Sarah endearingly, while Jareth pouted on his side of the podium.

"Well," she began, "My name is Sarah Williams, I'm a big fan of the show, and the _first_ person in Labyrinth history to beat Jareth." 

"Thank you, Sarah. Now Jareth, care to tell us a bit about yourself?"

"I'm the goblin king, Igglewert. I rule you. What more do you need to know?" The fans did not dare make a sound.

"Well then," the host said, "let's pick up where we left off. Sarah, you won the first round, so why don't you start?"

"I'll take Ludo," she said, waving at her friend in the top-left square. Ludo smiled and grunted a greeting. 

"Ludo," said Igglewert, "here is your question: What..." he paused, building the suspense, "kind of magic spell to use?" The monster breathed a sigh of relief.

"Slime and snails, puppy dog tails, thunder or lightening..." Ludo replied, with a rhythmic shake of his hairy head. Igglewert looked to Sarah for her answer.

"I'll agree," she said, for Ludo had just quoted one of her all-time favorite songs.

"That would be correct!" he said, Sarah's mark covering the square. "Jareth, it's your board." The goblin king had somewhat brightened, due to the mention of his song, and was now in better spirits.

"I'll go with Sir Didymus," he said. The fox sat up straighter in order to see over the high podium he sat at.

"Thou hast made a good choice, milord. Thou shalt not regret it!"

Igglewert continued. "Sir Didymus, when Sarah encountered the doors between the castle and certain death-"

"Ba ba ba bum!" yelled the doorkeepers from their spot in the audience.

"Yes, anyway, which door did she choose, red or blue?"

"Why milord, thou canst be assured, tis the blue door." He took off his hat and bowed to the king.

__

He sounds awfully sure of himself, the king thought. _After all, he _does_ know the lady better than I, and he knows it would be foolish to think that he could lie to me without being cast into the bog. "_I'll agree," he said, looking menacingly at Sir Didymus. Ambrosious whined, and hid under the desk.

"Of course that's right," said Igglewert. "Sarah, care to choose another square?"

"Yes," she said, "I'll take Harry Potter." Harry had long since grown bored, and had taken to levitating his water glass above the sleeping Wiseman's head.

"What?" he asked, letting the glass soak the Wiseman and his hat. 

"Harry, your question: Jareth promises to make Hoggle prince of what land, in return for giving Sarah the peach?" Harry picked up the empty water glass, and turned it into a toad, which hopped into the Stepmother's square.

"EEEK!" she screamed so shrilly that one of the camera lenses cracked. The toad hopped away, and Karen regained her meticulous composure.

"Oh, I don't know." Harry stared down at his shoes. "Wait, yes I do! Prince of Candy Land!"

Sarah could not honestly see Jareth even eating candy, much less awarding Hoggle rule of a whole candy-filled land. "Yeah, right," she said, "I disagree." 

"As well you should," was Igglewert's reply. "Hoggle was to be crowned-"

"Prince of the Land of Stench," Jareth finished bitterly, watching Sarah pull into the lead with two squares over his one. All poor Hoggle could do was shudder at the memory, and thank god that he hadn't _really_ been crowned prince of the bog.

Sarah looked at her watch. "When's the commercial break?" she asked the host, who also looked as if he could use a rest. 

"Right now," he said. "But before we hand it over to our sponsors, let's get the Labywood Squares address for anyone who'd like to order tickets." A typical Underground address flashed across the screen, with directions for anyone wishing to write in. "And to our Aboveground viewers, if there are any out there, tickets to attend a free taping of Labywood Squares can be obtained through the Hollywood Squares studio in California. Stay tuned for the rest of this round when we return."

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Ok, ok, I know I quit in the middle of a round, but I simply don't have time to write the rest right now. Maybe if I get some positive reviews, I'll post more tomorrow...? Thanks for reading, folks, and remember to keep those comments coming!

~CrystalDreamer620~


	2. Round Two

A/N: Ugh...finals next week. Well, this will probably end up being one of those "creativity-outlet fics," after hours of studying. So review if you like, comments are always appreciated! (Sorry if the gameshow format isn't totally accurate, I haven't seen Hollywood Squares in quite a while.) 

Disclaimer: Wow...I have three things to disclaim this time! I feel all special. Well, first and foremost, I don't own the labyrinth, or the characters. I don't own the game show, Hollywood Squares, or the host either. Simple as that. And...what was the third thing? Oh yes...I don't own Harry Potter. 

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~Labywood Squares~

"Oh, Toby, stop it!" Sarah screamed in frustration. "After all I did to rescue you from the labyrinth, this is the thanks I get!" It was the one month anniversary of the day Sarah rescued Toby from the labyrinth. Ever since, Sarah had been waiting for some miraculous change in her baby brother. Disappointed when no such change occurred, she was fed up with the constant crying and irritation.

She picked the boy up, spinning him around in a desperate attempt to quiet his fretful cries. Still the boy sobbed, soaking the shoulder of Sarah's t-shirt. The girl looked into her baby brother's flushed face. "Toby, why won't you just be quiet? Maybe I should have let Jareth keep you as a goblin. You would have made a good goblin, you'd be able to sit around the castle, and cry, and swim in the bog all you want! Ha! I never should have rescued you. In fact, I, I wish...I wish the goblins would come and take you away...right now!"

Realizing her horrible mistake, Sarah clamped a hand over her mouth. But it was too late. A cool breeze blew in through the open window, and in sailed a majestic white owl. He appeared, as usual, in a cloud of glitter. This time, however, he seemed...different. His hair was kind of flat, his makeup sloppily done, even his cape was somewhat wrinkled. Speaking to Sarah in his alluring British accent (though it sounded tired and weary), he proceeded to get on with his usual questioning. 

"Funny," he said, "I thought you'd be able to put up with the little bugger longer than a month." He looked Sarah up and down. Not much had changed since their first encounter in the labyrinth. Her hair and face hadn't changed, and her sense of style also remained the same, but her eyes looked tired and hopeless, as though she had fought a thousand battles. 

"Jareth," she said firmly, "you know very well that I didn't mean to wish Toby away. And I've already solved your labyrinth. What more do you want from me?"

Jareth took a minute to consider. "Well," he began, "Since you already know your way through my labyrinth, it _would_ be senseless for you to solve it again. Anyway, I suppose your little friends, the dwarf, the monster, and the fox would help you through. What _shall_ I do with you?" 

Sarah looked sardonically hopeful. "Well, you could let me go, and forget this whole thing ever happened?" she suggested.

Jareth smiled his twisted little smirk. "Oh no, no, my dear Sarah, I could never forget you." Jareth knew Sarah hadn't really meant to wish Toby away, but he just couldn't pass up the chance to torment a frustrated teenage girl, especially one as cute as Sarah. "No, my dear girl, I have much bigger plans for you." 

Fear filled Sarah's eyes, and her voice came out shaky and unsure. "W-What exactly do you have planned?"

Jareth held up a crystal, gazing into it with his penetrating, mismatched eyes. Sarah looked, too. A swirling image depicted a well-lit room with all her friends from the labyrinth, and then some. Jareth tossed the crystal, hitting the ceiling, and exploding into a shower of glitter. The two then found themselves in the same room, sitting at podiums on opposite sides of a tall goblin. Or at least what Sarah thought was a tall goblin. She peered around the back of his podium, to see a tall step stool supporting him.

"'Allo ladies and gentlemen, I'm your host, Igglewert, and welcome to Labywood Squares! Now let's meet our stars. In the top row, we have Ludo, Junk Lady, and Wise Man." Ludo smiled a silly grin, and waved to the vast audience of goblins. The Junk Lady barely acknowledged the fact that there was an audience, and the Wise Man awoke with a start at the dozens of screaming fans that sat before them. "In the bottom row, we have Hoggle, Firey Number One, and Sarah's Stepmother." Hoggle hung his head in embarrassment, and Sarah's stepmother looked thoroughly confused, while the firey danced around senselessly. "And in the middle, we have the Worm, Sir Didymus, and in the center square...Harry Potter? Ok, Sarah, you won the coin toss backstage, so you start."

Jareth slid Sarah a mocking look, as she quietly said "I'll take Harry Potter?" It came out more a question than a statement. 

Igglewert turned toward the center square to look at Harry. "Harry Potter?" 

"Yes, Igglewert?" Harry said. 

"Here's your question: Which of the following is _not_ one of Jareth's mispronunciations of Hoggle's name--Higgle, Haggle, Hogwart, or Hedgewart?" Harry's eyes lit up. 

"HOGWARTS! I go to school there, you know! Did you know I'm a wizard? I can turn you all into toads if you like!" Igglewert looked at Harry, exasperated. 

"Yes, yes, Harry, we've all seen the movie, we've all read the books. We all know you're a wizard. But please don't turn us into toads." Igglewert turned back to face Sarah. "He answered Hogwart,' do you agree or disagree?" 

Sarah thought for a moment. _Actually, I believe _I_ was the one who called him Hogwart.' It must have been Haggle.'_ "I'll disagree," she said. A bright red "X" covered Harry's square, as Igglewert complimented her on her victory. 

"Jareth," Igglewert said, "Your turn. Choose a square." Jareth scanned the board, a look of disgust crossing his face from Sarah's victory. 

"I'll go with the Wise Man." J said with a sigh.

"Wise Man," Igglewert said, looking at the top right square. "What does Sarah use to mark her trail in the labyrinth, only to be changed by the goblins?" The Wise Man, however, didn't seem to be very "with it." 

"Uh...Sarah? Ah, yes...Lady Sarah...lovely girl...left a lovely contribution...now what was this?" Igglewert looked impatient. 

"What did the girl use to mark her trail in the labyrinth?" But before he could finish the question, the Wise Man was already asleep, and snoring loudly. And at just that moment, his hat seemed to come alive. 

"Well, well, then, what's all the trouble?" the chicken-like-thing said in that unidentifiable accent of his. 

Igglewert sighed. "Your master seems to have fallen asleep in the middle of his question. Perhaps you can be of some assistance?" 

"Well, well, I'll do anything to help! What was the question?" 

"For the _third_ time," the exasperated goblin said, adjusting his microphone, "WHAT did SARAH USE to MARK her trail in the labyrinth?"

"Lipstick," the bird drawled, pecking at his master's head with his beak. A hollow sound accompanied it.

Jareth looked at Sarah's lips, completely devoid of any unnatural coloring. _Couldn't be_, he thought to himself._ The girl doesn't wear lipstick, or carry a purse._ "I'm going to disagree," he said, wondering how his own lipstick was holding up, and how long it would be before a commercial break.

"I'm sorry," said Igglewert, "but lipstick' _is_ the correct answer. Sarah, it's your board."

"I'll take Hoggle for the win," she said, smiling at her screaming fans. Hoggle placed his head in his hands, knowing the pressure was on.

"Hoggle, here is your question: According to the Fireys, what policy did Sarah violate?" The dwarf desperately racked his brain, singing Chilly Down' silently to himself in hopes that some inspiration would come. Seconds passed, and none did. "Well, Hoggle?" said the host.

"Uh, Sarah? I _don't_ think it's the fact that you weren't chilly,' so that's what I'm going to go with."

"Your non-chillyness, Sarah," said Igglewert, "do you agree or disagree?"

"That's cheating!" Jareth said, jumping up from his chair and pointing a gloved finger at Hoggle's square. "You just told her to disagree, because you have no idea what the bloody hell you're talking about!" The dwarf trembled, trying to hide beneath his podium. Sarah, who was gaining confidence by the minute, jumped to his rescue.

"He is _not_ cheating, Jareth, he gave his answer, and I'm going to disagree," she said with a stern, yet polite air. Sarah smiled sweetly at the crowd, who by now were going wild, her name reverberating throughout the room from their admiring chants. _Sarah! Sarah!_

"Of course," Igglewert said. "The correct answer would be, You're only allowed to throw your own head.'" At that moment, a firey's head sailed in from the crowd, hitting Jareth square in the stomach. Bitterly, he drop-kicked the head back into the crowd with those leather boots of his, which believe me, had to hurt. "Well," said Igglewert, "that completes round one of our game, with Sarah in the lead. Let's take a little commercial break, and begin round two after a word from our sponsors."

As the thunderous applause slowed to a halt, and Sir Didymus and Ambrosious began endorsing a new line of dog food (sponsors of the show), Sarah heaved a great sigh of relief._ Well,_ she thought, _I've won this round...but the fun is just beginning! _Meanwhile, the makeup crew was er...having fun, trying to suit His Highness's cosmetic needs. "No, no, no! You're doing it all wrong...first the eye makeup, _then_ the lipstick! You have to get this right, people!" Sarah shook her head, surpressing a giggle. _I can't believe _this_ is what I was afraid of,_ she thought to herself. _Sure, the tights are kind of creepy, but he's no more than a quirky goblin king who's more afraid of me than I am of him! This next round could be interesting..._

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You like, you like? Well, I guess I should say that I'm going to continue whether you want me to or not, but still, reviews are appreciated. Any and all flamers will be used to heat my room, cuz it's a bit chilly in here! 

~CrystalDreamer620~

(*_*)


	3. Upping the Stakes

A/N: Once again, I must be apologizing for not posting sooner. The truth being that I simply haven't had time, and forgot how much I like this fic. 

Disclaimer: I don't own the Labyrinth, Sarah, or Jareth, for if I did, I could listen to the real David Bowie sing, instead of just my Labyrinth soundtrack. Adianna belongs to me, because I made her up especially for this fic.

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~Upping the Stakes~

Since the second commercial break, Sarah was feeling good about herself, saying that she had won the first round and had a good start on the second. Meanwhile, Jareth was fuming. Not only because he was losing the tournament, the round, and Sarah's respect, but he found he hadn't kicked his quota of goblins for the day, and was having withdrawl.

However, the immediate situation at hand was the fact that he was losing. This would not have been a big deal, had this been a normal game of Labywood Squares, for ordinarily, Jareth had nothing to lose and Sarah had everything. 

"Jareth, ol' buddy, ol' pal!" said a tall faerie, approaching Jareth at his podium. She smiled a mocking smile and placed her hands on her hips.

"Adianna," he said "a displeasure to see you, as always."

"Cut the crap, J," the faerie said, leaning over the desk so her dark hair trailed flirtatiously in front of Jareth's face. "It seems to me that you have, once again, used Labywood Squares to carry out your own personal vendettas. Now, just what do you have to say for yourself?"

"Listen, Adianna, if I could, I'd pay for the air time and then some. But you see..."

"I don't think you realize how valuable these people's time is. But I realize that with the Underground economy being what it is, cash is a little tight, eh Jareth?" 

The king blushed. He had plenty of money, or would have, had he not just purchased a life-size marble sculpture of himself last week. "Erm...yes, but I assure you, I will compensate for your valuable time, as well as the use of the set...just as soon as," he coughed "the economy is back to normal."

"Actually," Adianna replied with a smirk that could top even Jareth's, "I was wondering if you'd like to make a little wager." Warning sirens began blaring in Jareth's head; he was the one who set the ultimatums, not accepted them.

"What exactly did you have in mind?"

"Oh, nothing much," she said, smoothing a wrinkle out of her all-too-proper looking black pants suit. "Let's say, if you win the game, not only will you receive Toby as a goblin addition to your kingdom, but also a faerie queen."

Once again, the warning bells obscured Jareth's better judgment. Several years ago, when the labyrinth was young, Jareth and Adianna had been an "item." Unfortunately, she called it off the day before he was about to propose, and Jareth had never truly gotten over her. But here she was, a successful business woman offering to take him back...if he could only win this game.

"But if you lose," she began, although Jareth barely heard her from the cloud of his own thoughts, "You must help me with my new project, one that will benefit the station greatly."

"Deal!" he blurted out before he could stop himself. Adianna extended a graceful hand to shake his leather gloved one, a self-satisfied smile creeping across her face.

"Congratulations, J. I'm sure you won't regret it."

***

"Did you make the deal?" Sarah asked in a low voice, as Adianna approached and lingered around the water cooler.

"Of course," she said, giving Sarah a mini high-five behind her back. "If all goes well, Jareth's telecast should be airing tomorrow at 8/7 Central."

***

"And we're back, with the second half of Round Two," Igglewert practically yelled over the crowds of screaming fans. "Jareth, I believe it's your board, so why don't you choose a square?"

"Oh. Yeah," Jareth murmured, deep in thought. The bright lights reflected off the goblin king's skin with a paling phosphorescence. "I'll take Karen to block." Sarah's stepmother, who still didn't quite know why she was here, wrinkled her nose at the mere prospect of participating in a game show.

"Karen, here's yer question: What time's it when Sarah leaves the park?"

"I remember, it was 7:00 PM exactly, because Sarah was supposed to be home at 6:00. I hope you've learned your lesson, young lady."

"Oh, bugger off," Sarah muttered under her breath.

"7:00 PM, do you agree or disagree?"

__

This woman has way too much time on her hands if she remembers exactly how late her daughter was. It must be true. "I'll agree."

"That'd be correct, Yer Highness," Igglewert said a little dismally. "Sarah, it's your turn."

The girl sighed. "I'll take the Wise Man to block."

"Good choice, milady. Now, Mr. Wise Man, your question is...Mr. Wise Man?" He was snoring rather audibly now, which was awfully hard to ignore, especially when one trying to ask him a question.

"Well, well then, another question for me, eh?" It was the bird. Half the audience groaned.

"Yes, I s'ppose so. What color was the feather in Sir Didymus's hat?" All eyes glanced towards the noble knight, only to find that he wasn't wearing a hat at the moment.

"It was red, I believe," the bird drawled. Sarah had to stop and think a moment. _What _was_ he wearing that day in the labyrinth? I think his plume was red...but I'm not sure._

"I'll agree?" she ventured.

"I's sorry, milday, but yellow was the correct answer," Igglewert said, a melancholy note weighing down his voice. 

"Sucker!" the hat screeched.

Igglewert waited a moment for the startled whispers of the crowd to subside. "And that makes a win for Jareth. Stay tuned, folks, cuz we's going to be back after a commercial break for the final round, as well as the secret square!"

__

Damn! Sarah cursed to herself. _I guess you never _can_ trust a chicken hat._

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An interesting twist added to this chapter...the score is tied, so who will win? What is Adianna's "special project?" And why are Sarah and Adianna scheming? More questions answered with the next chapter of Labywood Squares!

~CrystalDreamer620~


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